I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry about my life...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
