I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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