I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I yelled at your uterus for you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
