im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
