You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
