i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
