do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Blood and glitter go together right?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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