Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
