i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
