You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
