I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
