she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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