I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
