you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
