M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
