I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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