Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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