you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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