Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
