She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize