Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
