If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
