I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
