I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
