True but thats because hes a fetus.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
