Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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