I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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