:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
