Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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