Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
