My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
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