Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
