Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize