This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Randomize
