I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize