my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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