I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i will never coherently bang her
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
