If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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