he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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