DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
