Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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