Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
