allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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