Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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