never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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