I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
did i just pee glitter
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
