I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
