closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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