i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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