Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
