I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
