Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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