Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
