our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
