Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
