Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
