I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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