By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
