I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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