You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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