i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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