I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
