i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
