I am in a vortex of obligation.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize