just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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