If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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