dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
